pregnant at 34 weeks

I'm pregnant. Like REALLY pregnant. Yet I still have 6ish weeks to go.
Luckily the weeks are going by really fast.
Here are some observations I have

-I forgot when you are pregnant you don't "get a full nights sleep" its more like you get 3 naps broken up by trips to the bathroom.
- I am sure the actual distance to the bathroom isn't much longer in this house- but since every time I go I try not to wake up Emmaus it seems like the trip is miles longer. I have learned where the creaks in the floor are- and try not to waddle over them.
-With Emmaus I only got 2 teeny tiny stretch marks- I think I am adding a few- it kinda breaks my heart- and I wish I could stop it- but I can't. So I guess I will deal with it.  And probably cry about it at some point.
-I want ice cream every night. LIKE EVERY NIGHT. (see above observation-this could be the cause)
-I am WAY less prepared this time around. I think I need to search for "the bump" checklist I had the first time- cause surely I should be doing SOMETHING to prepare for this baby.
-My pelvis is so much better from my little fall- but still hurts a good amount. I would like it to be all better now....mmmkay?
-Last time (and now this time) at the end of my pregnancies- my husband decides to "get in shape" I don't know if he feels like I am gaining enough weight for the both of us, or if I'm gaining he should lose- I dunno- and while I am glad he is taking charge of his health- I can't participate in this (or not to the extent he is)! And I guarantee you in 10ish weeks when I am starting to get back in shape he will be over his newfound healthiness.

  Here are two pics from 34 weeks (this week)

We've had several pool days lately- makes the day go faster. And although Emmaus isn't the biggest fan of the water, it lets us hang out with friends and get out of the house for a couple hours so she doesn't go crazy- and thus in turn drive me crazy. (She likes to get out and about!)

 We went to the most beautiful wedding this weekend.  Only down fall was it was "picnic" style and so we all sat on blankets on the ground- not the best for the VERY pregnant or those with SEMI BROKEN pelvis' (no its not really broken- just feels a bit that way)
It was so pretty though- it was under a canopy of trees, and decorated so cutely, bunting strung from the trees and wildflowers hanging out in mason jars surrounded us, it was cool.
Anyway- this is me- ready for the wedding. Carrying a big baby belly with me.

That's all I've got. I'm pregnant. Lots of pregnant.

Memories

I've been thinking a lot about my grandpa. Probably because I am loving seeing Emmaus with my dad. She is pretty obsessed with him- and probably likes him more than anyone else right now. He travels for work and although my mom watches her once a week, sometimes he is gone and doesn't see her for a while. So he often just drops by to say hello to her (and me I'm sure). It usually gets her out of nap time- which is my theory of why she likes him so much- That and he gets on her level and crawls around with her.

Multiple times this weekend she said "Bam-pa" and when she was at my parents today she crawled around looking for him saying "weeerrr bam-pa". Then when she would see him she would make googly eyes at him like "hello, its me, I know you adore me and I adore you too" It really is too cute.

Anyhow- This got me thinking about my grandparents- things I remember as a kid. Specifically about my moms parents.
My grandpa had emphysema so he had a hospital bed in his room- which we all thought was THE COOLEST. I mean COME ON! It sat up!
He always had tums in a roll on his nightstand.
Sometimes he would have lemon drop candies that he kept in a check box there too- I would sneak them. (He would have shared)
My grandmas kitchen always smelled like bacon grease. It wasn't dirty- just smelled yummy.
My grandpa made this weird dish in the morning- it was yummy but SUPER unhealthy. But I wish I knew how to make it. I can't remember what he called it.
In the living room there were two couches- one never got sat on- and across from that couch there was a table that always held a national enquirer, a cross word puzzle and cherry flavored original chap-stick.
Next to that couch was a little wooden cabin house thingy- that was a table decoration. My cousin used to tell me that little people lived in the house and if I waited long enough I would see them- I never did, but I believed they existed.
My grandparents had this old plastic cookie jar. They always had the best cookies. I mean not homemade or anything- but the keebler elf cookies with m&ms in them, or the ones that tasted like thin mints, or the orange wafer cookie dipped in chocolate. We didn't have stuff like that at our house.
They also had caffeine free pepsi- it has a gold rim instead of silver. And it taste different too- not sure why, but I could still tell the difference- one taste like my childhood memories I guess.
My grandma would let us watch nickelodeon, and my brother and I thought it was the coolest- we would stay up way to late watching nick at night and their kid version of SNL.

Anyway- I know no one read that except probably my mom. But I love that I have those memories of my grandparents- I have many more about my other grandparents.
I love seeing Emmaus form those memories too. Makes my heart smile.

Summer Lovin

Somedays I like to stay home all day. And on those day's Emmaus "tells" me all day long- that she is a budding social butterfly and she NEEDS to get out of the house. 

So today, we skipped my mundane homebody tendencies and headed to the pool with friends...

To live the rockstar life

 Some were unsure of the chilly water

Others thought the pool was their stage.

 

It really is all fun and games until someone gets water dumped on their head.

 One little caught some rays.

 One wore the biggest hat possible- stolen from her mama to avoid them.

 And the third did his manly duty by taking a solid nap.

After there was  ice cream and the LONGEST spoons ever 

(that little ones may have trouble maneuvering)

 You know the ice cream is good when you grow an ice cream beard.

 And when the sad face and lip come out

 upon discovering there is no more ice cream to be eaten.

 (She sure knows how to work that lip)

And then there is this little man. Who is so chubbs I can hardly handle it. I can count 4 rolls on that arm and one is above his knuckle! I mean come on! And those thighs that extend all the way down to his feet. (His big sister had legs like that and coined the term *thankles* skip the calf- goes from thigh to ankle) And that expression? He was giving me the silliest looks. 

I pretty much can't get enough of him

Good times, with good friends. And this preggo mama was pretty excited about the ice cream too.

A post where I complain- but at least post some cute pictures of my child.

I wish I could say I have been quiet because I have been resting- and I guess that is some of it. Putting our schedule down on a calendar on the fridge has helped so much. It has definitely allowed us to have defined rest and the lack of chaos over confused schedules.
Its been a hard week. I took a bit of a tumble on sunday and hurt my pelvis. Its made me feel very huge- and very pregnant, and very unable to move.
I'm a big grumpus about my clumsiness, but I am trying to reach DEEP within and pull out some sort of positivity about things. (And I'm failing- but trying is worth something right?!)
I just hurt. And have a lot of shifts to work before I have this baby- and I can't even really carry my kid (That kinda can't walk- okay she really can't walk) without feeling like my pelvis may split in half. TMI? Did I mention I am really hurting?
So since its would be better not to whine this whole post here are some cute pics of the kid.

 uhhhh when did she get so big?!

 We got to see Aunt Sarah the end of May. It was so good to be with her and She sure spoke Emmaus' love language by sharing her iphone. (I posted this pic because they are making the same face with their lips! which is so cute to me!)

 Even though the sun refuses to shine and the weather refuses to allow a temp above 75 I still am believing it is summer by eating strawberry short cake pretty much daily- okay not daily, but multiple times a week. Emmaus thinks it is quite a treat. 

 And then there are these, excuse the "see food" but those sleepy eyes and morning bed-head just melt my preggo mama heart. I am so in love with this little girl.

Pray I feel back to "normal" soon. I am really hurting- and really preggo. And have a busy few weeks ahead.

Rest

Rest....
You know that thing we all long for but is a complete dream of the past or future. A dream of "before we had kids" or "someday when we have more money", "more time".
I may have mentioned this before (once or twice) that Emmaus is a terrible sleeper. Its a TS thing (DEAR GOD LET IT BE A TS THING- new baby needs to sleep like typical kid). They often just can't "turn off"their minds, thus they don't sleep or rest well.
Tonight as I laid with her as she fell asleep she was just restless. She would toss and turn, she was tired, but her mind would just not let her rest. Until finally out of sheer exhaustion (after 10pm) she just passed out.
I couldn't help but find the similarity of her restlessness to our lives. Dan and I are busy. We both work, we have activities we are apart of, we have church, friends, a special needs kiddo that has therapies, and doctors appointments, we have household chores, meals to cook, (the list goes on for days).  So when we finally have a break, our minds, bodies, don't know how to rest. We are restless. And then eventually out of sheer exhaustion we pass out.
We hit rock bottom, we fight because we packed our schedules, didn't communicate, we weren't on the same page, and we were spread too thin.
I feel like if Dan and I do something well it is manage our money. We aren't perfect at it, but we work really hard to plan a budget, stick to it (mostly), save money, live debt free.

BUT WE SUCK AT MANAGING OUR TIME. 

We pack our schedule as full as possible and then wonder why we don't have any time. I have been really challenged by a friend to be accountable with our time. 

So this weekend I sat down and wrote out our schedule. Took time to put down everything down on paper so It can be clear. 

To plan evenings of nothing.

 (No running errands, mowing the lawn last minute or having an "oh I forgot we are suppose to...") 

We are learning to weed things out- things we say yes to, with good intention- because it sounds fun, but in the end is completely overwhelming because we need rest. 

We are learning to rest. To guard our time. To say no to invites. 

I know this might seem like a lot of saying no, but in the end it leaves room for impromptu gatherings. 

Evenings of rest because we planned well. 

It allows our work schedules to seem less overwhelming-because our time off is well planned. 

I don't want our time to be restless- to pass out in sheer exhaustion because we never "turn off".

We have a long way to go. But this is a start. 

In the next few months, year even as we adjust to me working a little more, and a new baby I want to become as responsible with our time as we are with our money. 

I want to rest well- and I am not talking about sleep. 

(Cause lets face it- sleep is probably not bountiful in our near future- and while that is a bummer I am guessing rest will be easier to obtain, and just as important)

One of THOSE DAYS.

Have you had those days that are just a comedy of errors? And at the end of the day you feel exhausted and kinda like you failed?

Our day started at 3am- when Emmaus decided it was "go time". 

Our oven is broken- or something. Has no power going to it. 

Our freezer was leaking. (Hubby spend all evening fixing this! yay!)

We got to Emmaus' orthotics fitting exactly five minutes late- not to shabby with the start of the day- (which turned out to be 35 minutes late because the appt was at 9 and not 930 like I thought.)

We did have a lovely lunch with a friend

 but the kid was pretty crabby and made this HORRID whining sound all day. 

I actually found myself saying "That noise is ugly, and your face is kinda ugly when you make it"

YEAHHHHH.......shining mom moment.

Then I may have harshly told my sweet (horridly whiney, exhausted kid) to 

"GET IN BED AND GO TO SLEEP" after putting her back in bed for nap time  around 400 times.

I will give myself some credit- because I was incredibly patient at 4am when she was clearly not going back to sleep. However- at 3pm I was one TIRED mama.

It's good for me to learn to apologize for my bad attitude to my child. 

I hope as she grows- she doesn't think of me as a mean mom who yells- (I really don't yell often)

But as a mom who loves her fiercely, but is flawed, and has to ask for forgiveness too. 

Cause- WOW this mom gig is hard.

And to remind myself that not all days are this hard. Here are a few pictures from yesterday- 

we had a great day and Emmaus loved the farmstead!

Giving the sweetest- wettest kisses EVER

 Learning about Animals with Daddy.

This girl loved the animals. 

We topped the afternoon off with My 30 week sono to take a final peak at baby & check for any signs of TSC. This baby has no signs of TS that Emmaus had.  We are so thankful. 

(And Eager to meet this babe!)

TSC Global awareness Day

Today is TSC awareness day. 

It is also a day we celebrate being 6 months out from Emmaus' surgery and the incredible progress she has made. 

Six months ago today dan and I trusted our most prized treasure into the hands of very capable Dr's and Nurses. In hopes that removing one of her dozens of brain tubors may give her a greater future. 

It amazes me that it seems to be a general rule of life that in order to grow, heal, or be made new we must first be broken. 

While we waited- God, and all those praying covered us in the most incredible peace, and hope.

When we finally got to see her she was indeed bruised and fragile- wires coming from everywhere it seemed.

In the next couple days came swelling, sleepless nights and more, once leading to a scare of hydrocephalus. 

But along with the swelling and scary things, came support from good friends and family.

And the sweetest little blessing .

A sliver of hope in a stressful time.

The news our family of three would become four. 

When the dressing came off, I think my mama heart was in shock. How would that gigantic wound ever be hidden, or would it be a constant battle scar for our little love. 

Would kids tease her about it? Would people make comments in the grocery store? Or point?

But soon after going home the healing began.

The daily seizures stopped after the morning of November 15. 

Emmaus' brain started to have time to develop- time that before was spent seizing or recovering. 

By Christmas she was army crawling.

And Feeding herself. 

(A task that had been long awaited)

She began showing her love for those around her. 

Giving the sweetest hugs and kisses.

Hands and Knees crawling by february-

Crawling brought freedom to explore everything

(Or get into everything- We finally decided we should baby proof when we saw her try to stick her tongue in a light socket)

Standing and trying to climb came in the spring in one fowl swoop. 

Climbing stairs shortly followed, And now this kid stands- ALL THE TIME.

(And is a complete cheese ball)

The daily seizures have been replaced with daily parenting, trials of patience for us and our sweet girl, and learning- LOTS OF LEARNING. 

Today we celebrate Emmaus- We celebrate progress. And we hope that you will read this and share our story today. 

A story about a little girl with Tuberous Sclerosis. Who fights every day. 

A story not of sickness or of a scary disease- but a story of HOPE. 

And the goodness and faithfulness of Jesus.