Thursday, January 28, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
The whining and crying and deep deep frustration from my four year old, who is fighting so hard daily to be known, to be understood.
The two year old ears that find it hard to listen, the two year old will that finds it hard to obey, and the two year old soul that needs oh so much attention, tenderness, patience and fierce love.
The baby who loves to be close to mama in the hours of the night when all should be sleeping.
The ones who are over tired, over booked, over worked, discouraged and financially strapped.
The ones fighting for their lives, their health, waking daily in an uphill battle, but not giving up.
The ones mourning the loss of life, gone to soon.
The ones waiting so tenderly for the call that a baby needs a home, and that home is theirs.
The battles are big. They are hard and heavy handed.
Stand Strong Weary Warrior.
You are not alone in these deep places.
Thank you Jesus- for Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Friday, December 18, 2015
I looked at my work schedule for the first six weeks of the new year and instantly felt overwhelmed. Desperately searching for when I would "get a break". Truth be told I never have worked so many hours since becoming a mom. And while I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be, the demand of it all feels heavy. It seems impossible to be in charge of so much and to do it all well.
It is funny. I have always dreamed of having a family. A big one. I didn't always want to be a nurse, or have a love for sewing and crafting. But I always wanted to be a mom.
And yet the mom job is so much harder than I ever imagined. It seems crazy to me all the self sacrifice it takes to "have exactly what I wanted".
Of course I figured I would stay home, have endless funds to do fun things with my kids and take vacations with them- all my kids were of course healthy, and EXTREMELY well behaved and they were all excellent sleepers- and the sickness-you know, the endless runny nose, cough and fever that never leave small children- yeah that didn't exist in my mind.
(I am giggling writing this. But it's true! It's kinda what I dreamed this life would be like!)
Instead I am humbled daily- serving the tiny humans I created. Working hard outside our home, while trying to manage everything in it. Driving what I call "the bus route" to and from Emmaus' school each day. Working to try to understand what she needs and her frustration at a low level. Pleading with my two year old to stop crying, whining, and to try her food. Annoyed when my baby is still waking to eat multiple times a night. (Seriously we need to sleep train- but I am just too dang tired!)
I have to remember to stop and enjoy the stage we are in. Even in its hardness. To take a look around and be less overwhelmed for the housework that never ends, the sleep that never happens, and the snot that is ALWAYS on my clothing.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
It has been a hard few weeks. We are going on 7 weeks of sickness. Real sickness. A viral pneumonia for Emmaus that resulted in a hospital stay for a week. A week after she was released I had a kidney stone that required surgery and me just feeling crummy. Then I got shingles- cause that's likely. Followed immediately by a significant cold. All the while Emmaus still hasn't completely gotten over her sickness, shiloh and the baby have had colds too, which means no one is sleeping, or happy and we all are overall just pretty miserable. Then Sunday Emmaus spiked another temp and has a pretty bad respiratory infection again.
Oh- and apparently postpartum anxiety is a thing? I never knew! I am about the least anxious person in the world and suddenly my mind races to the worse case scenario at all times and I am terrified of all the very real things happening around me, no matter how unlikely they are to actually happen to me.
I am discouraged that we have affinitor (Emmaus' new med) sitting on our kitchen counter. And since it has arrived she has not been well enough to start it. It feels unfair. All this sickness feels personal. Like an attack. (I'm sure it is). Emmaus has been pretty darn healthy for over a year and right now when we have this med to try all of this sickness has come out of no where. It stops me, makes me pause and once again realize no med will heal her. It makes me put my trust back in the Lord. All of this sickness drives me to pray. To ask for the Lord to rescue me from these trials. To ask the Lord to heal her, to take this burden from her. Because I simply cannot do anything else.
This mothering gig can be lonely. The days are so long. The whines and cries so loud. And when I am alone with my tiny humans all.day.long. I sometimes forget I am not alone in this. I think the isolation in motherhood of having small children is intense. But I am not alone. I know so many of you that I know personally and that I haven't ever met are fighting the same battles. The daily grind of raising tiny humans. Fighting to find the joy in little moments surrounded by mass amounts of chaos. I mostly like chaos, but all of this sickness I can do without.
One last thought. I realized I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I take care of everyone else. But I neglect myself. And I am not just magically going to start taking care of myself! I must form the habit of doing this. So, I've started drinking water. (Coffee doesn't count as water- who knew?!) I have started taking vitamins. (A prenatal, vitamin D, and Magnesium- to help combat the anxiety) I am trying to get to bed earlier (cause sleep...duh). And I am washing my face every day (which I have never done in all of my life) Basic huh? A little sad I didn't do any of that stuff before. But I have to start somewhere!
A couple more goals- (Also EXTREMELY basic)
-Go to the dentist every 6 months. Because I pay to have that benefit, so I should use it- also I never EVER EVER want to have to get 5 cavities filled again. (Yes- I had five cavities, cause I rarely go to the dentist and I had to get them filled (while I had two cancer sores) between having the kidney stone, and getting shingles- I'm tellin ya it's been a FUN month!)
-1 day a month get a babysitter and be kidless. And rest, or do something that feels life giving to me!
Okay I lied. One more thing. If we aren't facebook friends or you haven't seen it yet- go check out this video. Our church gave us the opportunity to tell our story. And the hope that we have in raising a child with special needs. And despite this post being a little gloomy we truly are so blessed and do have so much hope in our lives.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
We’ve been most touched by an extended family we didn't even know we had. A coworker of my husband had been sharing my son’s journey with his church 2 hours away from us. Unbeknownst to us, they held a fund raising at their church for our family, raising $4,000 in a church congregation of 100
*Consider what you realistically can do for our family. And offer to do it. Consistently. Let us decide if this thing is helpful to us at this point. If we decline let us know you love us and want to be a support us. If you think of something else at another time offer again.
Supporting a family, choosing to stand next to them, choosing to help long term isn't for the faint of heart, it isn't easy- and honestly, I don't know that I would be/am any good at it. But it is a pretty amazing gift. And those of us living in need of consistent help are forever indebted, we are amazingly grateful.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
I sat with her as he became more alert. He looked at me intently and reached out to pat me. I told her he reminded me of my daughter. The mom confided his seizures scare her. I told her I truly understand. It was just a few minutes, but to make a simple connection, in a moment of true helplessness for that mom who was watching her boy battle his own body- for her not to be alone in that moment- isn't that what this life is all about? I found myself asking how do I best support those I live with on a daily basis? For the strangers I meet?
I often wonder what it will be like as Emmaus gets older. Will I be that mom cradling my sweet baby as she has a seizure in the parking lot- other people totally freaked out, and that just being our normal? I sometimes fear her getting big, because I know it will be harder for Dan and I physically. It is one of those things I try not to think about much, because I know I do not have the grace to handle those challenges yet, but will in time.
This has been a week of us needing help. Lots of help. We have had meals brought, so many people babysitting, people cleaning, grocery shopping. Our tribe stepped up. We were not alone.
Although it wasn't an ideal circumstance both Dan and I reflected on truly getting quality time with Emmaus this week. Since we have three girls we rarely are 1 on 1 with her for extended periods of time and to truly have that time was a blessing. Even though her words are few she has a great sense of humor and I truly think she's funny!
She would request things and then laugh and say "Nooooooo" if it was something she couldn't have. My mom taught her to fake snore- which truly is her making a "shooooooo" sound. And whenever she would lay down to sleep she would look at me out of the corner of her eye and do this.
This week thanks to our amazing support we truly smoothly sailed through the challenges of having an infant, a two year old and then Emmaus in the hospital. It wasn't easy, and my mommy heart was definitely pulled in three as I felt each girl needed me in their own way. (Some being more vocal about their needs than others!) But we survived and I am so thankful that tonight we are all under the same roof.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Planning ahead doesn’t come naturally to me. So here goes nothing!